Identity Crisis

So, I have really enjoyed writing this blog. It started as a way to keep everyone informed on our new and extraordinary adventure and it has become an enjoyable hobby and great way to chronicle all our family journeys/adventures. I think I may keep it up for a long time, just as our family diary. That being said, today's post is going to be my diary entry!

Identity Crisis: that kind of sums up many of the feelings I have had during this pregnancy. I used to feel pretty confident about who I was. I am Jacquelyn Elaine Haefele Hacker, daughter, sister, wife, mother, friend and pediatric physical therapist. I enjoy reading and writing, I enjoy learning, if I'm being honest, I enjoy anything I can excel at and avoid anything I can't :) I like to cook, I like to have a clean house. I'm very type A and like for life to fall into a "perfect", somewhat predictable and neat order. I like to have a plan, or should I say, I like for things to fall into MY plan! I have high expectations of myself and others (a negative and positive quality depending). I love a new challenge (which I am obviously getting). Above all, I am VERY independent! I always thought I wanted to be a stay at home mom, but learned that I really liked having my career. After Jackson was born, I found a perfect happy medium by working 2 days a week. Then came the biggest surprise of my life . . . I'm having 4 babies at one time.

Suddenly, I don't know who I am. Suddenly, I'm staring a new life role in the face with NO control over how it will play out! I was facing quitting my job, being a stay at home mom for an undetermined length of time, taking care of a 3 year old and 4 babies which is hard, if not impossible to plan for and lets be honest, I'm a little lost without a plan! On top of all of that, I was suddenly no longer Jackie, I was the "quad mom" or "the woman that's having 4 babies." I actually remember someone at work telling me one day, " A woman in my Sunday school class said to me, "Hey you work with the woman that's having 4 babies.'" Man word gets around fast. And when I was admitted to the hospital following steriods, a nurse asked my name and then replied, "Oh, you're the quad mom. You know that's what people are going to call you now." (At which point I wanted to scream, that is not who I am) People started helping me more and modifying things for me, and while I know it was all necessary and everyone did it out of love, I just wanted to feel like life was still normal. I wanted to feel normal and normal no longer existed! Please don't get me wrong, I was always and still am very grateful for all the people who have been supportive and helpful and concerned during this entire adventure. It's just hard to put yourself into this new and unfamiliar role overnight . . . become the one that is taken care of instead of the one who takes care; having to accept help from people (some of whom you don't even know) when all you've ever known is independence; and be in the spotlight, when you are really more comfortable in the background.

The first thing my friend Jamie (mother of quintuplets, who by the way is a fabulous photographer, just to let you know who else she is) told me was, you have to learn to accept help. When people offer, you say thank you and tell them what you need. She acknowledged how hard it is, but also how necessary it is. My mom told me, "It's just your turn. Right now, you need help and support and one day it will be your turn again to give help and support to someone else." I know all of this is true, but it doesn't always make it easy. I hate to inconvenience others. I know that God is working on teaching me some big lessons like: I'm not in control, it's okay to lean on others for support, He will provide and take care of our needs. And I feel like I am making progress in learning these and other lessons, but it's a process.

So, all that being said, I do have to clarify my identity. I am not the "quad mom." I am a mother, a mother who will have 5 children (4 will just happen to have the same birthday). I will be a practicing pediatric physical therapist again because I love it and it's important to me (I hope I can make this happen sooner, rather than later). I will probably always like to have a plan, but I am learning to let the plans be a little looser. I will always be type A, but I am learning to go with the flow a little more. I will become an equal partner in sharing the household duties again (right now I feel so helpless as my husband has to try to juggle everything, with the help of my fabulous little sister). I will be a friend, sister, daughter that can offer help again, instead of just the one who needs help. Some of this may take some time to achieve as I learn to balance my new roles, but I will get there.

In addition to my identity, I worry about the identity of Jackson and these babies. I do not want Jackson to the be big brother to the "quads" nor do I want these babies to be the "quads". Jackson will be a big brother to these babies, but that alone is not what will make him special or significant. He has his own unique and fun qualities. He's really coordinated and active (we are thinking he may be quite the athlete), he is the master of manipulation and charm, he's intelligent, stubborn, defiant and strong willed; and I'm sure he will be a fabulous big brother, or maybe he'll just be the ring leader of the gang! These are the things that will make him special. As for the babies (which is really how Clint and I refer to them, I rarely use the term quadruplets in reference to them), I want them to be individuals. I don't want them to be a package deal. Yes, they will share a birthday and yes they are quadruplets, but I look forward to learning what makes each of them individual. I look forward to learning about their personalities, their strengths and weaknesses, their likes and dislikes. I look forward to seeing how each of my 5 children establish their individual roles in the family to make our family complete. I also look forward to seeing how Clint rises to the challenges ahead and how he maintains and adapts his own identity as we move forward.

I can't wait to see how my family takes shape. This experience will have a huge impact on each of us, but I hope that we will each emerge as individuals and not just as the family with quadruplets. Sorry for today's ramblings. Please don't think me ungrateful for the support or the amazing blessings God has given us because I am not, but obviously with such an extraordinary event comes a lot of emotion and reflection on the situation and this is one of my reflections.