Death and Dying

Heavy stuff . . . but it's been a topic at our house frequently in recent months.  Why?  Well, Jackson found a tiny frog this summer and took excellent care of him for about 3 weeks.  Then, we decided to take our frog with us to Granna and Poppo's.  Turns out that frogs don't travel so well.  We aren't sure exactly what happened, but he started acting really odd and then died.  We suspect brain injury during the drive, but it's really just speculation.  Jackson was bummed, he really had been working hard to take care of his frog and he was so excited about it, but he moved on pretty quickly.  However, since the passing of our frog (Jumpy), death has been on the tips of many tiny tongues around here.

The kids ask all the time if people are going to die for various reasons.  Sometimes it's because someone is sick, sometimes it is for the most random reason ever and sometimes they just ask because . . .well, because they really don't understand it.  I've even listened to them play babies/doctor and pronounce that the babies are going to die because they are throwing up.  The funniest death reference has probably been from Gage.  Gage asked Granna this summer if she was going to die and she told him no.  Then she followed it up by saying that she goes to the gym to stay healthy.  Of course he now equates the gym with NOT dying.  He will randomly come up to me and say things like, "people go to the gym so people don't die" or "some old people die, but some go to the gym" or the best was when he prayed for "all the old people to go to the gym so they don't die."

This obsession with all things death and dying was not helped by the fact that Jackson recently came home from school with a homework assignment to make a fire safety plan.  Don't get me wrong, I think this was an excellent assignment.  Jackson is old enough to understand a simple plan for getting out of the house, running to a neighbor's and calling 911, BUT it caused some distress too.  The kids all listened and started worrying about fires, and getting hurt and dying, even though I was VERY careful never to mention death during our discussion.  Jackson became very upset and burst into tears because he does not want anyone in our family to be hurt in a fire.  He was very worried that his brothers and sisters are not big enough to get out of the house in a fire.  I won't go into it here, but we discussed the plan in detail to assure Jackson that mommy and daddy's job was to keep everyone safe, his job was to get out and call 911 to help.  It was an intense evening to say the least.

This is the part of parenting no one tells you about.  The part where you have to answer the tough life questions, the questions that you really have no answers for.  This is the part, where as a mother or father, it is your job to reassure and make your kids feel safe, but at the same time, you don't want to make empty promises like "that will never happen" because frankly "it" could happen.  You join the parenting thing for the smiles, giggles and snuggles but these are just the perks of the job.  The real job is preparing your children for life, both the good and the bad . . . answering inquisitive minds and trying to teach them that there is no need to fear because Jesus will take care of us, even when life takes a "wrong" turn.

Being the oldest and the only one who really "gets it" yet, Jackson has had some very emotional moments where he worries about dying.  For him, this started about 2 years ago, though I think it has been more prevalent in the last year.  My last grandmother died 2 years ago.  While I really don't think Jackson has concrete memories of her, he does remember her and he does remember when she died.  This was his first real experience with a person dying at an age where he could remember it happening.  This was my mom's mom and she had chosen to go by the name "Big Mama" with her Great Grandkids (if you had known her, you would understand ;-)  Over the last year, Jackson has had quite a few nights when he becomes very emotional and sobs because he misses Big Mama.  He has a pillow and a quilt that she made for him in his room and he will lay in his bed, clutching the pillow to his chest, sobbing uncontrollably.  It is heartbreaking!  It doesn't happen too often, but it is hard to watch when it does.

While his tears are for Big Mama, they are also out of fear for everyone else in his life that might die and leave him.  He is scared of losing his grandparents, his siblings, his parents and of course dying himself.  He won't often directly verbalize this, but it is obvious through his actions and what he does say.  We had one of these nights tonight and I asked him if he was worried about someone else.  He said he didn't want to talk about it, but finally pointed his finger at me.  I know he also recently had a dream about "something really bad happening to daddy."  He didn't want to talk about that either, but again, I'm pretty sure it was death.  He was so upset tonight and then even started worrying again about a fire and what if his special pillow from Big Mama burned up.

What do you do when an (almost) 7 year old can't calm down because he is scared you are going to die?  It's tough.  I can't tell him I won't die because that is just a bold face lie.  I can't tell him I will die someday, because that just opens up a line of questioning that I'm not prepared for and most likely more sobbing.  Soooo, I went with an attempt to explain that our soul never dies and that Big Mama is not really dead, but waiting for us in Heaven and that Jesus does not want us to be afraid.  This does not really satisfy, because he immediately wants to see her "now", but it's the best I can do.  After the explanation, I prayed with him.  I prayed for the Holy Spirit to give him peace, for Jackson to feel the love of Jesus and for him to be able to rest without fear, because Jesus would always take care of us in good times and in bad.  By the time I finished praying, Jackson had calmed some, but was still crying pretty hard.  He asked me to take him to the living room and rock him, so we did.

This brings me to what really made me start writing this evening (I know, I took the long road to get here).  As I rocked him, I was transported back in time.  I remember going through this same thing as a child.  I don't know exactly how old I was, but pretty close to Jackson's age because it was when we still lived in Georgia so I was 3rd grade or younger.  I remember being terrified of dying.  I would start thinking about it while laying in my bed at night and I would become inconsolable.  I don't remember what brought it on, but I do remember repeating over and over, "I don't want to die."  I would go out to the living room in tears and tell my mom that I was scared of dying and do you know what she did every time. . . she rocked me.  I'm sure she talked to me, there is a vague sense of soothing words in my memory, I do not recall what the words were, but I do vividly remember being held close and rocking.

This is one of the only vivid memories that I have of being held by my mom.  Don't get me wrong, I know that she held me many, many other times, but these occasions are the ones that I REALLY remember.  I don't know about other people, but I have general memories of childhood that are almost dreamlike, except I know that they really did happen . . . and then I have these random very specific memories.  This is one of those specific memories.  What is the significance?  I don't really know, but I am glad I remember, because as I sat rocking my sweet little boy, it gave me comfort to know that even though his fear breaks my heart right now, one day he may look back and remember the peace, security and love of his mother as she rocked him and tried to reassure him that every thing really would be okay . . . even when it's not okay.  Thank you mom for this memory and for teaching me how to soothe a small person who depends on me to give him the answers to all of the world's toughest questions and problems.  I don't have all the answers, but I do have two arms to wrap around him and the perfect rocking chair.