Observations on Motherhood . . .

As I was baking cookies after 10 p.m. one night this past week, I began to think about motherhood and specifically my mother.  I was baking cookies for Jackson's religious education class the next night . . . I had almost forgotten.  Jackson's class was having a "Christmas" party.  Yes, it is January, but the teacher had gotten the dates mixed up for the last class of the fall semester, so they had not been prepared for a party that day  . . . so she promised them a party on the first class of the spring semester : )  She did not ask anyone to provide anything, but when you have the kid with the food allergies you have to send a treat so he does not get left out of the fun.  I was also responsible for the snack in the little kids' class on the same night, so I figured one BIG batch of cookies and everything is done.  (On a side note . . . when you have quadruplets in the pre-school religious education class that only has 6 students total, you end up providing snacks almost every week . . . between a singleton with food allergies and quadruplets, I will be the snack queen for years to come!)

I had put kids to bed (some more than once and some were still not quite complying) and I sat down to figure out what else I needed to do before I went to bed . . . then I remembered the cookies . . . Well, I got up and started working on it (a little grudgingly if I am being honest).  It's not that it's hard work, it just takes some time because you have to wait for each batch to bake . . . and then I remembered that Jackson's class it pretty large and I got worried that one batch wasn't going to cover both classes, so I started a second batch . . . which just meant more time *sigh*  In the mean time, Jackson was wired and not staying in bed.  He was in a great mood, but was finding excuses to get out of bed over and over and over and over . . . he was also flashing his charming grin every time he made another appearance.  Now, I will be the first to admit that I am not the most patient at bedtime.  Once I have put kids to bed, I really want them to stay there, but somehow I was actually keeping my cool this time.  Finally, by 10 p.m. I had convinced Jackson that it was in his best interest to comply with bedtime (I may have had to use a few well thought out threats), but the cookies were still cookin'.  

This was when I started thinking about my mom.  She used to do this kind of thing all the time.  She always had a project she was working on after bedtime.  Whether it was baking, sewing, laundry or whatever else needed to be done to make our lives magical, easy, fun and wonderful.  I loved that everything she did was "homemade" and it was something I always wanted to do for my kids too!  What I didn't understand at the time was how much work it was for her.  Let me preface the rest of this by saying that I still want to do "homemade" things for my kids and I do, but I now understand the cost.  I now understand the love and sacrifice that is/was required to make the magic.  I think that growing up I always assumed that my mom didn't mind doing these things, even if it meant working late into the the night (if we're really being honest, I probably actually never even thought about whether or not she minded).  She stayed up late every night anyway, so what would it matter is she had to bake a few dozen cupcakes, she was already awake.  

Now that I am the mom that is up late making the cookies a few things are now clear to me:

1) As a mom I really do want to make homemade goodies to make life special for my kids

2) I want to do whatever I can to make life joyful for my kids even if it means sacrificing sleep (or whatever other sacrifice is required)

BUT . . . what I did not realize when I was younger is that despite the fact that a mother does genuinely want to do these things . . . she also doesn't want to.  She's tired . . . no, not tired, she is bone-weary, exhausted!  She has cooked dinner, cleaned it up, folded laundry, been to the store, planned the meals, checked the homework, made a plan for the week to get to activities, cleaned, and the list could go on.  Once the kids are in bed, she really just wants to sit . . . and sometimes, she does BUT she is also making a grocery list, folding clothes, balancing the checkbook, paying the bills or mending a favorite stuffed animal.  Mom's rarely JUST sit and if we do, we are thinking about the 25 things we feel like we should be doing and then the guilt sets in a little . . . so we get up and do one of them.

So when we have to bake and make and prepare at 10 o'clock, we do it . . . but we don't always want to . . . until we see how happy our extra work made our children and then it's worth it.  It may only be a moment of gratitude or a small smile or an awed expression, but it's enough to get us through the day.

I am so grateful for a mother who went the extra mile.  It took me a while to understand the level of gratitude that she deserved, but I am forever grateful.  She taught me to bring joy to my children and I know now, that someday they will be better for it too.  I hope they will feel how much they have been loved through the years because every cookie, every cinnamon roll, every cupcake was baked with love (sometimes very sleepily, but with love nonetheless).